I kept the strips of denim fabric leftover from turning a pair of knee-length jeans into short shorts. They’re nice makeshift grips – good for holding onto my footboard bar when I’m on a gymnastics kick.
I’m one of those people who are excellent at giving out advice and awful at internalizing it for themselves. I’m always talking about how important it is to take care of yourself and how real mental health issues are, and at the same time I keep waiting for my brain to give me permission to take a day off. It’s hard to schedule those when you don’t have a schedule to begin with, and you don’t do a certain amount of work every day so you can say, I filled my quota, I deserve a break. I haven’t even been keeping up with my to-do list lately because I’m kind of terrified of it. Only scratch the ‘kind of.’
My sleep schedule is a disaster. It’s been a mess for years, and it gets worse and worse. I got out of bed at 7 PM on Thursday, stayed up all night, went to take a nap at noon Friday, and I only just got up – at 2 PM on Saturday. It’s sunny and hot and I hate waking up when it’s sunny and hot. I like my early mornings. I just can’t seem to be awake for them.
I have a backlog of over a hundred pictures to edit. I keep saying I’m going to do that in sets, first thing after I open my laptop, but my laptop is a pain and a half, and it shuts down when it’s hot, and it’s slow. So the backlog grows, and I owe people pictures, and I owe myself pictures, and a part of me is holding out for my fundraiser to reach its goal so I can buy a new laptop and edit these then – even though that would be way out of my turnaround time and I’d end up doing them on this laptop anyway.
One of the few photos I’ve edited from my last product photo session. If you look closely you can see a navy blue cowl from DoucesLaines.etsy.com.
My campaign. Oh, my campaign. It’s wreaked havoc on my mood and behavior. To people who are good at marketing or even good at people, it may not sound like a big deal, but all the e-mailing I do, all the tweeting, all the asking – all the messages that are individually written and go ignored – that shit takes a lot out of me. I don’t mean time, I don’t mean work. I mean energy and calmness and optimism.
And of course I keep hoping something will have happened overnight, while I was sleeping, and I wake up to a bunch of group-related e-mails from LinkedIn that I can’t turn off because it won’t give me that option on the page, and a couple of kudos e-mails from the Archive of Our Own, which I like and expect, and that’s it. No sales, no contributions, no responses to my replies to job listings – which I almost pledged I’d stay away from yesterday morning, only to then apply to seven or eight – and no responses to any of my e-mails to bloggers and magazines, either. Or to any tweets. I know many of them are long shots, but you’d think out of the number of them I send, at least a couple would work out.
Statistics aren’t with me.
I actually stopped eating regular meals a while ago. Now I eat when I’m hungry, which is fine with me, which amounts to a proper meal a day and a lot of bread and things, and to be completely honest I’m not worried about this one bit of messed-up life. I feel like it’s freed me in a big way not to force myself to have meals at the proper times when I wasn’t hungry for them. This is just one more way my life is off the tracks, and one more thing for my mom to look worried about.
For all that I keep promoting my campaign, and all that my laptop doesn’t work well, I’ve barely done any offline work on it this week. I cut out panels for a twisted skirt and got halfway through a crop top on Tuesday, and yesterday I finally finished undoing a zipper pouch I sewed askew last week. That’s the whole of it. I have ideas, I have new fabric, but again, a part of me is holding out for my fundraiser to work out before I get to them. This time not because I need it on a functionality level, but because I can’t stop worrying about it, and I can’t switch my brain or my laptop off, and I want a laptop that works so I can do offline work while it’s on and so I don’t have to dread the things I have to do online while it’s off. And while it’s on, honestly. Did I say about the overheating?
These scissors are my mom’s, and they were her grandma’s, and they really desperately need to be sharpened. For now, I mostly just use them to dig into stitches, since none of my newer, sharper scissors have a shear quite as thin as the one pictured.
Maybe one of the worst things is I know what would fix my life. I know what would fix it, but I can’t get it. I need a steady source of income. I’ve said it for a while and it’s still what I need. I need to not have to worry about money, and I need a routine. I want a job, but I can’t find one here. I’ve tried, within the best of my ability I’ve tried. I have a much easier time finding not only jobs but jobs I love and want to do in the UK, but I’m not in the UK, and it’s only so easy to apply to a position knowing they can’t interview you and you can’t just fly over just in case, because you don’t have the funds.
I keep going for it anyway. Don’t let it be said I don’t go for it. My grandma’s coming to live with us for our six months this next week or the one after that and I’ll have to share a room with my sister again and I don’t want to. I can’t. I want to be in the UK. I’m so ready to go for it, even if my bank account isn’t.
Right now I’m tired, and I’m sad, and I need to put in eye drops because my eyes burn, and I’m trying to figure out when to take my paroxetine because I had one Thursday evening and another at 4 AM this morning, and I’m not sure how to schedule the next. I need to get a new prescription at some point, too. I have a mini card order to fill, and I have to order a print for that – but it’s 4 PM, so I can’t do that till Monday now. And I have an apron to make for someone, for sewing practice, and I’d like to make another cosmetics pouch and photograph it for a giveaway that should be going up tomorrow.
And the giveaway’s another bit of the campaign that eats at me, because it’s the last week of it, and okay, it’s a product-based campaign, I’ll keep going after it, I’ll actually set up shop with my collection, but I need my new laptop. And whenever I wake up to no new contributions, I think maybe once the giveaway’s going, they’ll speed up.
But what if, like every other time, nothing happens?